Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize