4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize