i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
