You're my little dorito
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
