It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
