she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
