how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
