My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have demons in me.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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