just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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