I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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