Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
