; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize