I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She's the barista slut.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
