my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
