Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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