I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
