i'm signing you up for texting rehab
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm passing your future prison.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
