Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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