it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize