He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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