I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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