Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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