My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize