my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize