can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
