i think my tv is drunk
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize