She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
