I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize