Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
