glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
