Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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