I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
