Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize