to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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