omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
