i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
