Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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