Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
