We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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