I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
