my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
