the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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