My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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