I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
