Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I smell like Dick and happiness
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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