I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
