I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
