Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
