I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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