i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
