I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
