i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This is my gift to your gina
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
