I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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