And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
