I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
