Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
