they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
